Entry #4: The Unfinished Line

If you hear the past speaking to you, feel it tugging at your back and running its finger up your spine, the best thing to do – the only thing – is run. ~Delirium

It has only been a few days or more than a week, but I’ve done so much more than I ever thought I could do or would ever do. I got drunk and went home the next morning with the same clothes I wore last night. I set my mind to feel nothing to anything, to feel no attachments to anything that could possibly trigger the feelings that would just tear me apart more.

I read books, but I did my best not to feel what the author wanted me to feel. I wanted to shut the world and live passively. It took everything in my power to do it, considering how expressive I am with my feelings, how drawn I am with the thing called Love. For a moment, I forgot about him, I forgot how painful it is, how empty I feel inside. For a short while, I lived. Away from him, without his ghost.

It was a saturday afternoon when I asked my friends to run with me, I did more full rounds at the oval than expected, and there it is, what Lauren Oliver wrote

The pain in my lungs swells up and blossoms until it feels like it’s everywhere, tearing through all my cells and muscles at once. Like all the stress and anxiety and irritation and fear get transformed into little needling points of physical pain, and you can’t breathe or imagine going farther or think anything but: I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. And then just as suddenly, it’s gone. All the pain lifts away, the fist eases off my chest, and I can breathe easily”

and that’s exactly how I felt that time. This morning I woke up early because I joined this Pink Run that happens every October for the survivors and still surviving victims of breast cancer. It’s my first time to join this kind of activity without school requiring me to do so, but I wanted to participate in activities like that even before, I just never had the chance to. While I was running, it occurred to me how much I wished I was running with him. Then I suddenly stopped running, not because I needed to gasp some air, but because all my thoughts of trying to run away from him disappeared, I threw all my efforts of forgetting him away, I was tempted to allow myself to think about him, again. (Will this ever end? My goodness, how stubborn I am!) After that, everything has meaning again, Like it’s the 7th Pink Run, how my number is 097, and the colors involved were black and pink. Everything just reminded me of him, of US again. Our anniversary is September 7,2009, we called each other Blink because he loves black and I love pink, how I used to tell him Pinkpositive! and think pink! which I thought might’ve annoyed him before. Then everything went black and empty inside of me, every painful and blissful memory rushed into my brain, it was like I’m breathing it all at once and it’s choking me, killing me slowly inside. I hated those kind of moments, I despise the taste of misery on my tongue, and a glimpse of desperation in my eyes when I face the mirror. But what choice do I have? He’s gone, he’s never coming back, and I made a mess on myself, disobeyed rules, and broke my principles…so there’s no turning back now.

There’s nothing left to do but breathe in every possible thoughts that could make me move forward, and breathe out the thoughts that drags me to the darker part of my life. I closed my eyes and searched for who I was before all of these things happened to me, I saw that little light that still flickers at the very core of my soul, and I’m trying to reach for it, forcing myself not to forget but instead, to Accept the changes.

Wherever this path would lead me, I know that with enough prayers and guidance from Above, and support from the people who truly care and chose to stay, I will be able to reach the finish line, and someday I’ll look back and thank him for giving me a chance to explore life with him even just for a little while.

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