The Missing Pages

This is a letter to the person I love the most.

Then one day things changed, and it’s over. I’d be lying if I say it doesn’t still hurts, it does. It’s like a broken bone that’s healed and it still throbs everytime it rains.

I don’t know how to reach you, despite of the high technology that surrounds us, simply because you don’t wanna be bothered by a girl who still cries herself to sleep because she can’t get rid of the pain of her broken heart.

There are days that I would feel strong, independent, fierce, whole and someone who had moved on from her past and is ready to rewrite her life and throw all the pages of history away. Yes, that’s what I think I’ve become, but it never lasts that long. I would immediately realize that the reason that I am trying to be that person, and trying to feel that way is to prove that someday when our paths will cross again and I could look at you in the eyes and I will give you that smile that says “hello there, I don’t feel anything anymore” and walk past you and I’ll never look back, I wouldn’t even wait for your reaction because it won’t matter to me anymore because I don’t care and because I have a life now, a life without you in it. So you see, it is still about you and any sane person (even the dumbest one) can conclude that that is not how a moved-on woman would be thinking.

Look, I know (at least I think I do) the reason behind why you blocked me in all the social networking sites/apps. I get that okay? Maybe you think you’re doing the right thing for two reasons and two reasons only. First, so I could move on and second, so I could stop annoying you. It even occurred to me that maybe you marked my emails as Spam, but that’s your thing so whatever, I’m sorry I know you hate it when I say whatever, but..whatever (I rather you hate me, than feel nothing at all). But just like the weather, when winter season comes, its hard to resist the need for warmth. Every time I let myself out of the shell that I built to ignore you, every time I surrender the mask of numbness, I try not to cry because it’s super exhausting, so I just put on my earphones without playing the music and imagine that I’m with you again, I hear your voice, it’s beautiful Bam. You know how I always adore your voice except when talking through telephone because it’s so deep I can’t clearly hear what you’re saying HAHA but when I couldn’t take it, I send emails to your old email address because I know you don’t open it anymore which means it won’t bother notifying you that your freaking ex is still annoying and whiny as ever. When I wanted to see you so bad, I just play Subway Surfer, not to take away my thoughts but because your image appears on the right side of the screen where the player’s friends in game center and facebook would be so it will show the ranking and stuff like that. I know you don’t play that game so you have less points and your image would disappear if my score would surpass yours already. When I first saw your photo there, I just lost it all you know. I was so happy!! My heart skipped and skipped and skipped in every beat. That everytime I play I just kill my character immediately when the photo in the right changes to another friend and not yours.

After that, I got more strength to ignore any thoughts about you again. So I’m back to living my life pretending that I’m okay again, that I’ve moved on, pretending that life is super colorful and everyday is unforgettable.

Then another winter came. I played subway surfer, but you weren’t there. At first I thought maybe I lost my internet connection or maybe I have to update the game in AppStore, I checked but I did have WiFi and there’s no need for update so I panicked Bam, I did and it feels like the first time I lost you, I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared but I have no choice but to check the Game Center and that’s how I found out that even in the most harmless place, you erased me.

And I don’t understand why. You’re not mad, are you? Why? Why do you hate me so much? If you could erase me in this world Bam, would you do that? I miss you so much Bam, can you hear me? I MISS YOU. I miss all those times you annoy me, those times you call me fat, the times you closed the book I’m reading to get my attention, I miss our fights, I miss cuddling with you, I miss your fat belly, your obsession with boogers (I know it’s so eww, but you’re the craziest), I miss running my hands through your wavy hair until you fall asleep and when I stop you’ll wake up and ask me to do it again. I miss your smell, I wonder how you smell now, did you change perfume? you always change your perfume. I just wanted to Talk. All I wanna say is, how are you Bam? How’s the brat baby boy I spoiled so much? How’s my best friend?

It’s not that I only remember you when I feel down or alone Bam. It’s just that, if I give all my focus to the pain, to the emptiness, I would go insane because its too much to handle, and I know (if you still care) it’s not something you want to happen to me, so I need to find another way to survive each day. By ignoring thoughts about you and whatnots, but there are days when I get so exhausted maintaining to put up those walls that I build everyday. So I give in to that desire of visiting the past to be with you. I give in to that longing to think about you. It’s like recharging my strength.

Remember this Carved soap flower you gave me? It used to be Pink and now look at it. But it may look dead now, but the smell of it still remains. The smell will stay and that’s something you can’t take away from it. Just like my love.


I’m hoping that maybe when you’re bored or trying to find something or you’re just lost in the world wide web, and miraculously read this, at least you’ll know, Bam, that I, the girl you used to love is still here. . . Whispering to the wind to send you my secret messages, thinking about you every night, wishing in every stars, hoping that someday we’ll live happily ever after…together.

À toi, pour toujours

Bam bam

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