Entry #16: Clueless

I found out you’re back. I wish nobody told me, I wish I’m back in time when I don’t try looking around people’s faces just to check if this is the day that I would run into you. I wish you’re 354 miles away not 10 minutes. I wish I could go to sleep not hoping that there’s a chance I would see you the next day, because that should be the most impossible thing that would happen! That should need all kinds of miracles because you are across the country, but then suddenly you’re not. I wish I wouldn’t have to change outfits 7 times before I settle into one just to see my best friend and eat freshly baked pretzels with her because there’s this traitor inside me saying all these comments that if you see me wearing this (you might think I’m miserable) or wearing that (you might think its soo daring and slutty and think that you made the right choice of leaving cause after all I’m not worth it). You see? There’s too many crazy thoughts clouding my mind now just knowing that we’re breathing the same polluted air in the country.

I wish I could say I’m fine. Fine that you never try to reach out. Fine that you didn’t bother to let me know that you’re back. Fine that everybody else knew that you’ve been back for months now and I lived each day of it clueless. Fine that some of my friends ran into you in the mall or somewhere and I didn’t have that chance. Fine that you came back but you did not come home.

I guess I prefer to know you’re miles away because it would hurt less knowing there really is no chance for you to see me even if you want to. But now, clearly you don’t give a damn to my presence.

Lastly, I wish I stop hoping every night that tomorrow..tomorrow fate might be less awful to me and maybe just maybe I’ll finally run into you.

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