Looking through someone else’s eyes

Once again, I dared myself to look at our photos and listen to your voice through that video you recorded years ago. I was cleaning up my hard drive, I thought maybe this time I’ll have the courage to delete our photos. Some people said it’s one way to let go, but some believed that memories like that should be kept and locked somewhere in respect to what once was, but you know me – knew, that part of me where I treasure everything. I might even be considered a hoarder of things, but I doubt I truly qualify.

Looking back at those pictures – our pictures, videos of you that I took, no matter how shaky and dizzying it all were, I’ve found my answer. I couldn’t, wouldn’t dare delete it, trash it, for those photos and videos were taken from someone else’s point of view. No, not the present me, or the present you but the young us. The young people who had fun, who fought, who cried, who made bad and stupid decisions, who laughed at their private jokes, who discovered and learned together, people who fell in love, who offered each other their innocent hearts, two people who had dreams, and wished on the stars. I can’t make myself let it all go to trash, not because I’m scared to forget but because I want to remember. I want it all to remind me that it was real, that I would also find something as real as that again. Something great and beautiful. I want it to stay as a symbol that although love could get scary and ugly, it is worth it – it was all worth it, seeing those smiles and hearing our laugh. Watching the videos, I waited for that familiar ache, that longing for you to take over, but there was only longing to see that smile on my face again, to feel that kind of happiness again. This time, I understood. I saw what I was looking for and it’s not you. There was only that small part of me that would always love you and miss you, that part that belonged to the seventeen year old version of me. These memories that I chose to keep will stay as a reminder that someday, I would look in the mirror and see those smiles again, witness those glittering eyes looking back at me.

Someday, I’ll find that again. 

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