You’ll never know…
That I wrote you birthday letters even when we never really talked for years.
That I still wake up every 7th of the month thinking what would’ve been the things we’d do if we were still celebrating something.
When my phone lit up that one ordinary night, my heart stopped. Maybe it was only for a millisecond because that would be scientifically incorrect or abnormal if it was any longer, but it felt like eternity to me. My heart stopped. The world stopped. I just stared at the notification on my phone. I didn’t know it at that time but it was the moment that I decided whether I would let you be part of my life again or not.
That when I saw you for the first time after four years, it was comfortable, it feels light. My heart wasn’t erratically beating. It was as calm as the ocean, it was as if I was finally home.
That when you asked for my number, I wanted so badly to give it to you but I didn’t because I know myself. I know I would wait for your messages that would probably come late at night when you’re bored or when you have nobody else to talk to. There would be no good morning texts, no good night messages, no be safes and what are you up tos.
That when you drove me home that night, I looked at you and I wanted to take a photo. I wished I had my instant camera with me, just one shot I could keep, just one still shot of you I could revisit.
That each time you message me, it takes all my strength not to expect that this exchange would last long. That it takes all of me not to reply immediately.
That when you told me your stories and experiences I listened intently, not because I was trained that way from my major but because I wanted to know the things you’ve been up to while I wasn’t part of your life for years. I wanted to be part of the gap years.
I wanted to tell you a lot of things, like my journey when I transferred school, when I changed my major, how I learned to appreciate art, that lately I’ve been into photography, I wanted to ask you about it, I wanted you to teach me, and many more stories I’ve been dying to share but there was not enough time, there was no right moment for me to speak. It was always your turn, and you never really asked.
When you picked me up at home so I could spend time with your younger brother, my mom asked if you’d be there then she brushed my hair. My heart broke at the scene, it feels as though she was helping me get ready when you finally come to me.
That moment you stood next to me because you said you were trying to estimate my height again, I felt your presence close to me then I realized I missed you and I wanted to hug you. Would it feel nice? I don’t think I could let go.
When you sat next to me at the café, I noticed your hand resting on your knees and I wondered how it would feel if I hold your hand again. Will our hands fit perfectly?
There was this one morning when my mom asked if you’re courting me again. I told her you’re not, she told me to tell her if you are, because she’d like to talk to you. I asked about what, she said something about that time when you left me. I never told her what happened, I guess mothers really know a lot about their kids huh.
That same morning, when she asked me about you, my heart aches for how I wish I could tell her yes, yes you’re back. Yes, you’re coming home to me.
That two people could be total opposites, that you could be your own person and I could be my own person yet we could still be together if we choose to. Love isn’t all just compatibility, love is also a choice.
That when you told me that our attitudes and personality would collide, I wanted to tell you it doesn’t matter because I could list a million reasons to leave you but I only needed one to stay.
That when you asked me if there was anything I wanted to tell you, it was one of the biggest risk I took for love even when I have known pain, disappointment and loneliness. It was as though you were inviting me to open up then you shut me down.
That to be strangers again would be easier than to be just a friend who’d watch you love someone else.
That when I asked you to leave me alone, I was hoping you’ll do the opposite when I begged you to stay 5 years ago.
you’ll never know all these things because you never gave me a chance to tell you.