They tell me I should not let myself get stuck. They say I should’ve moved on by now. They tell me I don’t really want you, I just love the idea of you. They tell me I just need someone new to flirt with, just have to get out there and leave the past in the past. They tell me I’m only into you because I’m bored, because I’m stuck with my emotions from the past, because you were my first and I imprinted on you like a damn wolf dog in Twilight. I wish someday they’ll prove me right, so that I would see what loving really is. I hope someday I’d wake up and realize that I haven’t really been broken at all, just a little scratched.
I once loved you like all of Taylor Swift’s old albums combined. I once loved you like a best friend I traded secrets with, whispering through the telephone on a school night. I once loved you through the iPad screen until one of us fell asleep in a 13,989 km distance. I loved you when your mornings were my nights, and your nights my mornings. I once loved you when you told me you needed space, when you told me it isn’t working out. I once loved you through unanswered emails and unreturned calls. I once loved you like a dead person, whom I would dream about at night. I loved you like a ghost who pops out in the middle of whatever it is I’m doing. I once loved you when I begged you to stay, when I asked you to choose me and you asked me to let you go. I once loved you through handwritten letters with teardrops on it that has probably dried up by the time it reached you. I once loved you like you were the sun, and the only thing I could do is watch you from afar or else I’ll burn myself down. I once loved you like you were the moon, when I only allow myself to think of you at night. I even loved you like you were a star, the last thing I see before I fell asleep through the tears in my eyes. I once loved you through the songs you used to sing, the arrogant and self serving fictional character who has a good heart, through the scenic view I knew you’d photograph, through storylines I bet you’d find interesting or idiotic, through the cinematic views of the movies I watch, through the strong opinions of the people I met, through the voice of the man with his guitar, through the witty jokes of the guy in oxford shoes. I once loved you through the hollow feeling inside my chest and the sweat on my palms. I once loved you through the pain that was slowly disappearing. I once loved you like a naive girl when you asked to be my friend. I once loved you when you told me we’re not compatible after your touch lingered on my face. I once loved you when you had your second girlfriend, when you had your third, when you were hooking up with a friend, and even when you were not with someone.
I once loved you when the night was perfect and I wasn’t. I once loved you when I hated myself for feeling this, when I finally thought I was free, when I was brave enough to see you, when I asked you to leave me alone, when I regretted crossing paths with you, when I felt guilty for regretting, when I was too lonely, when I was too happy, and when I was too mad. I loved you even when I was too tired.
We are not friends, we are strangers again. You told me once that we won’t be able to unlove a person because that’s just not how this thing works. I believe you.
So tell me, please. How I do I love you?